Monday, December 29, 2008

Candle Woes

They say people often get depressed during the hols.. I believe I've discovered the cause of this depression after having the following verbatim conversation with my 4 year-old cousin:

Boy: What happened to the candle?!

Me: It melted.

Boy: Why?!

Me: When you light a candle the wax melts and drips down.

Boy: Oh no.

Me: It's okay. That's what candles do.

Boy: Suddenly my entire life is sad.

---

So, another year has passed huh. I would notice that more if I've atleast grown a little taller.

Oh well,  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 11:56 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Tribute To My Mom
Reviews You Can Use #758: My Mom
StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 11:36 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Joy of Giving
They say Christmas is a time for giving.

This Christmas, I feel it more than other years. If you think all I do is eat, drink, sleep and have fun, and keep all my time to myself, you're wrong.

I practiced on my new guitar(Rayna's old one) for more hours than I could possibly count with my ... Oh alright you caught me. I can't count. But what I'm trying to say is, for tomorrow's CIP, tears have been shed. Blood has been spilt. Even gaming has taken a hit.

Carols, waiter and waitresses, even pole-dancers! Oh! The life elderly ... (s) ... (ies) ... have nowadays! Makes me feel like growing old too.
StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 10:50 PM

Monday, December 15, 2008

WHEN DID IT BECOME COOL TO HATE GEORGE W. BUSH -

Watching the shoe being thrown at George Bush on news today has led me to think ... When did it became cool to hate him?

This is what I'd like to know. Let me just say that I will be voting for any president when the time comes only because I will use it as a reason to slide into school or work a nice 2 hours late. But that's me. That's my brilliant political statement. I don't hate Bush(yeeaauuuhh). The man never cursed me out, or bombed my car with eggs. I don't even have a stupid car. But for some reason, alot of people around me hates this man with a passion.

Why?

My 15 year old sister (the brat from hell) who has not one clue about anything remotely close to normal told me the other day that she hates George Bush. This was the conversation:

Brat from Hell: I really hate Bush. I hate the man.

Me: Why?

Brat from Hell: I dunno. He's like an asshole. I really hate him.

Me: Why?

Brat from Hell: Ugh, you're so annoying. I don't f**king know why. I just hate him.

Me: Okay. Good for you. Fight the power, little sis.

I also overheard her and her moronic friends attempting to have a conversation along the same lines as that one. All of them just went around in a circle saying they hated George Bush, but none of them had a clue as to why they hated this man with such a passion.

Now you might say, "Dude, c'mon, they are little kids who are trying to stand up for something at a young age. You should applaud them."

No I shouldn't. Should I applaud my neighbours who say the same thing? I overheard the two woman saying how they hated George Bush. Both in their forties. This is what I asked and this is how they responded.

Me: Why do you hate him so much?

Them: Um, helllooooo. Iraq. That was just wrong.

Me: What was wrong?

Them: Do you even read the newspapers? How can you not think Iraq was wrong?

Me: What the hell are you talking about, you miserable 9 to 5 retards?

Okay, I didn't say that. But I wanted to.

Look, if you are going to hate this man then you better have a really damn good reason to hate him. And until that time, I will hate you. I will hate you for being an idiot and following along with others on a cause that you do not understand. For making me feel like I should start hating poor George too.

So now everyone hates everyone.

And I blame George Bush.

Asshole.

((watch MTV))

StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 11:01 PM

Friday, December 05, 2008

My date with the bathroom

Over the course of my life, I've probably had over 1000 embarrassing bathroom experiences. I don't know why. Perhaps my body is against me for some reason and it won't quit harassing me until the entire world knows how much of a complete moron I am.

Or perhaps I just don't have any luck when it comes to the call.

Either way, it's not something I'd like to be remembered for. Lately I've been going out of my way to avoid the bathroom at all costs. I try to wait until I am home with no one around this way nothing embarrassing can happen.

But, somehow things always seem to happen.

Today, after our concluding paper, my friends and I went for a movie called BOLT. It came out last week or the week before, who cares, but let me just tell you now -- go see it. It's great.

Seriously. Really good. It's an animation movie revolving Harry Potter's dog, Hermione's cat and Ron's rat ... hamster, attempting to save the world from the evil green-eyed man. Without giving away too much, the film is hysterical. Go see it. Even when your friends are like, "That looks stupid. What's it about?" you better tell them that I said it was great and go dammit! Go!

Anyway, we were in a theater with about 100 other people. It was intimate to say the least. Right after we sat down, I kind of felt it.

The quiet pee.

You know the quiet pee -- it's there but it's not there. You could go but don't. Because if you go then you have to get up and the whole row stands up and the back rows will be blocked, and you just sat down so they're all like, "Why didn't you just go before you came in moron?"

The quiet pee is something you can hold. It's manageable.

As time passes, the quiet pee slowly comes out of its shell. Wants to say hi. Get your attention. Only thing is, the movie is really good and there are loads people in the theater and if you get up, the whole row gets up and here we are again. And so you hold it.

I've found, through years of research, that when you ignore the pee, pee gets pissed. And it wants out. It wants nothing to do with you anymore. Good day sir.

And that's when things get interesting. Any normal person would simply get up at this time and relieve themselves of the pain.

I'm not normal.

The movie is winding down and I have to go. Like really have to go. In fact, I've never had to go this much in my entire life. But it's nearing the end of the movie. And I cannot, in my right mind, be THAT guy. So I hold. And I hold.

And the movie ends. Phew. BUT WE STAYED ON TO WATCH THE CREDITS WITH THE CUTE LITTLE ANIMATIONS!!

Now, I REALLY REALLY have to go. I start sweating and moving around. My hand is clutching my groin. I feel it coming up and going down. I'm thinking, "Great, I'm going to piss my pants when I'm ON my way there. I'm really going to piss my pants."

And here's where I'm not normal. Because while all of this is going through my head, the only thing I can think of is how great this story would look on my blog. So I start contemplating it - -should I just piss myself? I mean, whyyyyy not -- ya know, for the blog. For the story.

And while I'm dreaming of funny things to say, the girls get up and leave, with Jon, Josh and me in their wake. Perfect timing. And I realize, as funny as it would be, I cannot piss myself. I need to make a move. I need to go.

At this point, I don't even know if I can walk without pissing. Yes. It's that bad. It hurts like I've never felt hurt. It's literally right there and any little move could unleash a waterfall.

We were near the end of the exit passage way, and I started to ... hop really fast, trying to find the toilet, because by now, I can care less about anything. I force my way down the aisle, before people can move aside for me, before people can realize that I am standing on their legs. One guy was like:

"Um, hold on man. You stepped on my--"

"I see the toilet. There's a toilet!"

Little did this guy know but I was about 5 seconds away from saying screw it and pissing on him. But I feel, the "I have to go to the bathroom like no man has ever had to go to the bathroom before" sign is pretty universal. Luckily, he spoke that language and let me go on.

I burst out of the passage way, spot the mens room, run to the mens room, get to the cubicle, without closing the door, I released it.

I must have gone for a good 5 minutes. It was the best feeling of my life.

And I know most of you would've liked to see me piss my pants. But, trust me, the movie was better.

Go see it.

StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 9:43 PM

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Comical

After studying in the school library, we went to borrow videos. I came across The Ultimate Avengers , which features Captain America, Thor, Giant-man, Black widow, and Ironman. That kinda brought back memories ...

When I was a kid my Aunt Cynt came over the house one day. She held a thin paper bag and said, "Jason, I have a surprise for you. I know you like comic books, so I got you this."

Sweet! Good ol' Aunt Cynt!

What could it be??? Fantastic Four? The Incredible Hulk?

I grabbed the bag and pulled out my unexpected largess.

Oh goody goody! Iron M-- jaw...

IronJaw?

Gee, thanks Aunt Cynt.

He's really... cool. No, he is!

Stand back villains! Here comes IRONJAW and his... iron... jaw.

Nothing can stand in his way! No matter how... chewy?

Well, at least he's got a cool unifor--

Nevermind.

---

Anyway, tomorrow's the last paper! No more sleeping on textbooks. No more stabbing calculator buttons. No more eating notes for dinner. Woohoo! Time ta paaarrrteehhhh!

... Oh shoot, I still have tommorrow's paper ...

StreetFlow-[Jaz] ate tomatoes on 8:49 PM