Friday, December 05, 2008

Over the course of my life, I've probably had over 1000 embarrassing bathroom experiences. I don't know why. Perhaps my body is against me for some reason and it won't quit harassing me until the entire world knows how much of a complete moron I am.

Or perhaps I just don't have any luck when it comes to the call.

Either way, it's not something I'd like to be remembered for. Lately I've been going out of my way to avoid the bathroom at all costs. I try to wait until I am home with no one around this way nothing embarrassing can happen.

But, somehow things always seem to happen.

Today, after our concluding paper, my friends and I went for a movie called BOLT. It came out last week or the week before, who cares, but let me just tell you now -- go see it. It's great.

Seriously. Really good. It's an animation movie revolving Harry Potter's dog, Hermione's cat and Ron's rat ... hamster, attempting to save the world from the evil green-eyed man. Without giving away too much, the film is hysterical. Go see it. Even when your friends are like, "That looks stupid. What's it about?" you better tell them that I said it was great and go dammit! Go!

Anyway, we were in a theater with about 100 other people. It was intimate to say the least. Right after we sat down, I kind of felt it.

The quiet pee.

You know the quiet pee -- it's there but it's not there. You could go but don't. Because if you go then you have to get up and the whole row stands up and the back rows will be blocked, and you just sat down so they're all like, "Why didn't you just go before you came in moron?"

The quiet pee is something you can hold. It's manageable.

As time passes, the quiet pee slowly comes out of its shell. Wants to say hi. Get your attention. Only thing is, the movie is really good and there are loads people in the theater and if you get up, the whole row gets up and here we are again. And so you hold it.

I've found, through years of research, that when you ignore the pee, pee gets pissed. And it wants out. It wants nothing to do with you anymore. Good day sir.

And that's when things get interesting. Any normal person would simply get up at this time and relieve themselves of the pain.

I'm not normal.

The movie is winding down and I have to go. Like really have to go. In fact, I've never had to go this much in my entire life. But it's nearing the end of the movie. And I cannot, in my right mind, be THAT guy. So I hold. And I hold.

And the movie ends. Phew. BUT WE STAYED ON TO WATCH THE CREDITS WITH THE CUTE LITTLE ANIMATIONS!!

Now, I REALLY REALLY have to go. I start sweating and moving around. My hand is clutching my groin. I feel it coming up and going down. I'm thinking, "Great, I'm going to piss my pants when I'm ON my way there. I'm really going to piss my pants."

And here's where I'm not normal. Because while all of this is going through my head, the only thing I can think of is how great this story would look on my blog. So I start contemplating it - -should I just piss myself? I mean, whyyyyy not -- ya know, for the blog. For the story.

And while I'm dreaming of funny things to say, the girls get up and leave, with Jon, Josh and me in their wake. Perfect timing. And I realize, as funny as it would be, I cannot piss myself. I need to make a move. I need to go.

At this point, I don't even know if I can walk without pissing. Yes. It's that bad. It hurts like I've never felt hurt. It's literally right there and any little move could unleash a waterfall.

We were near the end of the exit passage way, and I started to ... hop really fast, trying to find the toilet, because by now, I can care less about anything. I force my way down the aisle, before people can move aside for me, before people can realize that I am standing on their legs. One guy was like:

"Um, hold on man. You stepped on my--"

"I see the toilet. There's a toilet!"

Little did this guy know but I was about 5 seconds away from saying screw it and pissing on him. But I feel, the "I have to go to the bathroom like no man has ever had to go to the bathroom before" sign is pretty universal. Luckily, he spoke that language and let me go on.

I burst out of the passage way, spot the mens room, run to the mens room, get to the cubicle, without closing the door, I released it.

And I know most of you would've liked to see me piss my pants. But, trust me, the movie was better.

Go see it.